RT @annnaismyname: Because opposites attract ;)RT @TheNoteboook: Relationships don't mean that people have everything in common. It's wh ... 1 year ago
a few posts ago I spoke of meeting someone I wanted to ‘approach’, well here is what has happened since then…
If you recall, I was in two minds about what to do, not from fear or the usual ‘Christian hesitation’ – I’ve gotta do an article about that one… anywho…
I was in two minds because it wasn’t sitting comfortably in my spirit, I’m in a season where God has called me to do great and mighty things and a relationship actually doesnt fit the season,
I also mentioned that I was going to ‘seek wise counsel’ on the matter and have since spoken to my Pastor about it, it kinda felt like a silly topic to bring up but at the same time I needed to know my decision was a sensible one. When in the whole world of emotions, I dunno bout you but I get all ‘googly’ and actually don’t fully trust my own judgement at times.
I would rather be open and expose myself to a little embarassment than a full on emotional mess in not making sure I chose the right path in the first place.
There’s a proverb that speaks of ’counting the cost of building a house before beginning’, I had to evaluate the whole situation and then get a second (wiser and un-emotionalised) opinion from trusted people.
So… what does this mean…
well, I still like her… simple
BUT I wont be making any approach just yet, there will be a time and place for it and we shall continue to be friends.
Now, at the point that I do enter a relationship, either with this enchanting young lady or another… I expect all of you to stick with me cos the journey wont be over yet, it will be just another chapter… or better yet another volume in the saga…lol
I will need some of you to help me in my cry for help when she ‘manifests’ as a woman and blesses me with the laying on of lips… and by that I mean she cusses me for doing something… lol
That reminds me I’ve gotta talk about my stance on affection in Christian relationships…
Pray for me guys, I already told God He owes me for this one… I coulda been inviting ya’ll for chicken and wedding cake…lol
I know some girls who are ‘spiritual hotties’, their spirits are so beautiful that it actually overshadows any externals – which aren’t quite my style (the external look I mean).
The attraction to them is just the same as if I was attracted to their externals.
I am wise enough to know that I cannot go for someone that I am only attracted to their ‘spirit’ or ‘heart’ or personality alone, there has to be a healthy balance.. or one day we will have an argument, I will be introduced to the other side of their ‘spirit’ (loool) and ummm, if that face doesn’t endear to wanna make up I imagine we wont make it through many disagreements! -
We might not even make it to the falling in love bit that would rescue those situations… I know me well enough to say I would walk!
Men are just wired that way, I am in no way consenting to male shallowness but anyone with any wisdom will confirm that MEN ARE VISUALLY STIMULATED and need for their women to be ‘pleasing to THEIR eyes’ (not nec anyone else’s eyes by the way!)
Plus I listed to a teaching from Dr Creflo Dollar on ‘Wise Decisions – Finding A Mate’, it changed my whole world on dating and the whole world of ‘finding a spouse’ – and just to burst a bubble on Christians who are some some crazy talk of ‘God will find me my spouse’ or God will bring him/her to me and I will just know… that’s how you end up 50 years old and still single…
The word of God says ‘he who FINDS a wife, findeth a good thing and obtaineth favour’ (Proverbs 18:22)
the key words are ‘FIND’… that implies ‘LOOKING, SEARCHING FOR, PURSUING’
- and the other thing I need to point out is NOT EVERY GIRL IS A WIFE!!!!
Its a role that many girls need to renew their minds in that area… thats another reason why so many women are single, they havent really renewed their minds in the area of relationships, men and ‘how to be that GOOD THING’ in a marriage – I have come across so many broken women, ready to get married and unleased their toxic waste on that husband thinking he will tollerate it and stay forever!… some won’t and if pushed… most men REALLY won’t stay.
I do need to touch on this whole divorce thing quickly at this moment, the truth is God is not happy about divorce, He isn’t a supporter and ‘hates it’ with a passion.,
We, His children, managed to get ourselves branded ‘a stiff necked generation’ or how I like to put it ‘ a hard headed generation, not willing to FULLY renew our minds and trying to get away with the bare minimum of submission’.
God allowed divorce (through gritted teeth I imagine) only as a concession, not as an appointed function of marriage. There is no shadow of a doubt, the marriage ending leaves both parties ‘broken’ and does even worse damage to children – WHETHER IT SHOWS STRAIGHT AWAY OR NOT AND AT WHATEVER AGE!
At times there are no options BUT to separate, either because of abuse or adultery, but on that note; I heard of a Pastor in Africa who’s wife cheated on him with the worship leader and she actually got pregnant for the worship leader… the most incredible thing is that THEY DIDN’T DIVORCE, the pastor didn’t force the worship leader to leave AND looked after the child in his own house!!!
Some of you reading this might be thinking ‘if that was me I would be on the phone to a locksmith to change the lock as soon as the cheating heffer leaves my house’ and that guy can forget about leading worship anywhere in this city, cos I’m gonna tell ALL the other Pastors in the area!!! (I imagine if he was really feeling burnt he would actually phone a pastor he DIDN’T like and say “hey, my worship leader is leaving and he’s excellent, what about inviting him to your church this week, by the way does your wofe deal with the worship team?”)
Pastors are human too don’t forget, and not all of them live that fully sanctified life! – but hey, thats just my imagination running away with me… maybe I should write a film and shoot it on my blackberry loool.
That Pastor exercised forgiveness at such a great level and I bet you God honoured that in such a way!!!
I love that!!! – Christ HAS conquered all we could experience on earth! to the degree that we let that victory affect our lives!
Anywho, back to my spiritual hotties…
Ladies, if you are already attractive and no guys are approaching you, then maybe you are making yourself ‘spiritually unattractive’ – if a guy knows his word and prays and really spends time with the Lord, although you may catch his eye, the spirit within him may well repel him from you! (thats if your spirit isn’t as much a hottie as your ‘earth suit’).
And ladies, if you have been made to feel unattractive by others or more precisely by the enemy, but are spiritually gorgeous – change your hair, ‘go in’ on the make up, go shopping more, always smell great -
I once knew a girl who was always in a new outfit or remix outfits everytime I saw her (and I saw her at least twice a week) and when I asked her what her shopping bill was she said it was only about £5-£10 a week!
And she always looked gorg’, so many guys wanted her number (I had friend-zoned her by the way, she wasn’t saved)
There’s nothing ‘unbiblical’ about making yourself look nice, Esther got chosen as Queen cos she was not only beautiful (and well presented… hair, fragrance, make up, etc – but had substance that set her apart… she didn’t make it on having ‘substance’ alone, nor did she make it on being beautiful alone – it was one balanced and complete package;
Ladies prepare yourselves for your King, he has his eyes open but you WILL get skipped if you aren’t ‘ready’; spiritually, emotionally and externally! (or far enough along that he can see your potential and what’s in your heart)
be blessed,
hope you change your game for the better!!!
check me out on youtube, I will (as of today) be sharing clips and messages on dating, finding a mate, good tips and hints on relationship, understanding men, understanding women and all that good stuff!
search my email or just search for ‘Single Christian Bro’
NOW… let’s get this straight from the beginning…
I dont call too many women hotties,
its not nearly enough for me to call a woman a hottie when she’s only attractive on externals… a bad storm (equals drenched weave… eauch!) and a bad fight with a crazy yardie woman (no offence) who likes to throw battery acid around can fix that… and very quickly too!
Beauty (in a woman anyway) must exude from the inside… it must be pouring out of her soul, she must be a ‘beautiful personality’, now just for clarities sake I am NOT saying she should be PERFECT!
That particular woman doesn’t exist!(while I’m awake anyway)
I have always said, if a girl doesn’t know God she wont know me… at all!
so… yeah beautiful things about attractive women (to me anyway);
- knows and loves God
- aims to be the best person she can possibly
- is driven to fulfil her God given purpose and become who she was meant want to be
- absolutely loves life and lives a thankful life
- is happy… just happy (I know I have a part to play, but i refuse to be the sole source!)
– eternal optimist!
- sense of humour
- can cook (or is willing to really learn)
– MICROWAVE MEALS AND OVEN ONLY MEALS DON’T COUNT!!!
(thank God that I can cook or this topic could be a desperate situation after we’ve walked down the aisle… lol
– and by the way, I think guys are severely lacking if they can’t do something presentable, and edible, in the kitchen)
- She has GOT to pray!!!
- ambition, ambition, ambition!!! (one of my convictions is that my wife will join me in my journey and my drive will be for her to fulfil all her dreams, she’s gotta have dreams to pursue)
- and we’ve just got to fit and get on, she’s gotta be my best friend!
I would NEVER go out with a girl I couldn’t be friends with, that’s just nonsense to me.
- and she has GOT to look good (to me!) – men are wired and designed by our heavenly Father to be visually stimulated (the porn industry is evidence of that, I believe 90% of the sites on the entire internet are adult websites!, need I say more?)
Not to say men are shallow, but I can’t go for a girl just cos ‘she’s nice on the inside, she’s gotta be nice on the outside too!’ – I know there are some ladies who wont agree (or wont want to agree) but its how men are built!, a man has to find ‘something’ attractive about his woman (we’ll go more into this on another post).
Oh yeah… getting back to topic… Yeah, I have come a cross a hottie… so now its time to ‘do my research’ – as I always and will always do, take time to just befriend and skip all the ‘best foot forward’ thing you find when someone knows your interested and I know some of you are thinking ‘you might get stuck in the FRIEND ZONE’ – you just gotta know how to cross the threshold from friendzone to more.
The best relationships, you will notice categorically and internationally, develop out of awesome friendships and the wholehearted commitment of both the man and the woman to be the best they can be for each other.
So yeah, the journey begins, I will give her a nickname soon.She is still a new face to the circle so I need to find out where she hangs around and what she does with herself, I’ve noticed she dresses well, which is a good sign – I often imagine I will be the ‘upgrader’ but its all good in this area.
Will let you know how it goes over the next few weeks, they will be make or break. I am guilty of falling in and out of like very quickly and I do just literally ‘cut and run’, unapologetically too.
I refuse to be blinded by ‘like’ and entertain traits that i see in people who aren’t willing to change that wont work with me, as much as I am prepared to work with and invest into a relationship, I aint got time to waste either – better still, I would rather be single than end up with some pumpkin head placebo of a girlfriend (again, no offence ).
and please don think I am treating singleness as a ‘disease’ I am trying to get rid of, I actually love my singleness and it empowers me to really go at the kingdom of God with all my heart, mind, energy and time – relationships are demanding in these areas and take time away from God.
My seeking a ‘mate’ or spouse to my understanding brings me to a new level of responsibility and accountability and will bring growth in myself that cannot happen otherwise of which I know will be detrimental to my achieving my God given purpose.
Trust me, I already asked God if I could do this thing without getting married, lets just say it was a short conversation and the search continued
stay holy folks, its rarity… even in the body!
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Here’s what I’ve learned from Gary Chapman’s Five Languages of Love about physical touch.
This is my primary love language
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face–they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
You should learn from the other person what they perceive to be a loving touch.
There are two types of physical touch:
Explicit touches: back rubs foot rubs, etc.This type of physical touch involves investing some time in showing that you love and appreciate someone.
Implicit touches: sitting close to someone, touching them as you walk past where they are sitting, etc.This type of physical touch lasts only moments and is more subtle in comparison to explicit touches, but it still shows affection.
Not everyone appreciates this love language in the same way. You shouldn’t insist on communicating love this way if the other person doesn’t like it.
Physical touch is different to sexual harassment. Physical touch is affectionate and acceptable…sexual harassment is disgusting, selfish and just plain wrong. There’s a line between the two. Make sure that you don’t cross that line by ensuring that you know what is acceptable to the other person.
If you want to know more about the language of physical touch and how to apply it effectively, buy the book.
Here’s what I’ve learned from Gary Chapman’s Five Languages of Love about quality time.
This is my secondary (almost as important as my primary) love language
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there–with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby–makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
The central desire of quality time is togetherness (focused attention).
Any activity is secondary, only a means of creating the sense of togetherness.
It communicates that you enjoy spending time with them.
Dialects:
Conversation: hearing and talking.
have genuine intentions to understand their thoughts, feelings and desires. Learn to verbalize yours.
Sympathetic Listening: maintain eye contact, don’t engage in other activities, listen for feelings, observe body language, refuse to interrupt, ask reflective questions, express understanding and ask if there’s anything you might do that would be helpful.“I know you are trying to talk to me and I am very interested, but I want to give you my full attention. I can’t do that right now, but if you give me ten minutes to finish this, I’ll sit down and listen to you.”
“It sounds like you feel…because…”
“What I hear you saying is…Is that correct?” “Are you saying…?”
“I can see how you would feel that way because…”
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
Activities: they care about me because they are willing to do something with me that I enjoy, and they did it with a positive attitude. the emphasis is not on what you are doing, but why you are doing it.
If you want to know more about the language of quality time and how to apply it effectively, buy the book.
Here’s what I’ve learned from Gary Chapman’s Five Languages of Love about acts of service.
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
Acts of service is where you do or help with a task in order to show that you care. This task could be something that a loved one has asked you to do, or something that they need to do and you’ve taken the initiative to do for them.
It is a way of expressing a sense of responsibility for the well-being of someone else.
Doesn’t always require technical skills…it could be something as simple as making a cup of tea for them or changing a light bulb.
If you know someone who has a “every man for them self” mentality, it’s usually best to ask “would it be helpful if I did…?” If they say no then don’t take it personally. They probably prefer to receive love in another language.
Acts of service is something you do for someone out of choice. If it’s a task which is forced then it doesn’t represent love.
If you want to know more about the language of acts of service and how to apply it effectively, buy the book.
Here’s what I’ve learned from Gary Chapman’s Five Languages of Love about gifts.
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous–so would the absence of everyday gestures.
Gifts are used as a visual method of expressing affection. These gifts don’t necessarily have to be big or expensive. They should be thoughtful and useful.
The Right Gift: says “I was thinking about you. I wanted you to have this. I love you.”
The Wrong Meaning: “I will give you…if you will…” A gift is not a gift when used to strike a deal or when used to smooth ruffled feathers.
Development: Learn their interests: Take notes of gift ideas during conversations.
Calibration: Ensure the recipient of your gift is at the right comfort level with you to receive your gift. (With cost and perceived meaning in mind.)
Again, these are my very basic notes on the subject. Think about what I’m doing here as summarising to give you a taste. I want to invoke some thought in you regarding the way you treat those who you consider to be close to you. Or even those who you would like to be closer to you.
If you want to know more about the language of gifts and how to apply it effectively, buy the book.
Here’s what I’ve learned from Gary Chapman’s Five Languages of Love about words of affirmation. Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you.
Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important–hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
Words of affirmation is basically expressing love through words.
There are different “dialects” to showing love through words of affirmation: Appreciation: Saying thank you for the positive things that people have done for you. “Thank you for…I appreciate it.” Encouragement: to encourage means to inspire courage. “If you decide to do it, I know you will succeed because you are the kind of person who accomplishes goals.”
Praise: Recognising someone’s accomplishment. “Wow, that’s great. I really like that. You did an excellent job.” Another note in the book was to ensure that you use kind words. This is the art of using the correct tone in your voice as you speak. You can say exactly the same sentence in many different ways and give it many different meanings.
It seems like some of this is really just common sense, but you’d be surprised at how many people don’t know how to talk with, or handle someone giving affirming words. Obviously, these are my very basic notes on the subject. If you want to know more about the language of words of affirmation and how to apply it effectively, buy the book.
